I’ve Never Felt a Heartbreak Like This || St. Berry

astarcalledrachelberry

She was more resting than asleep, for she knew she would see their unborn baby in her dreams and that was just something she didn’t want to deal with just yet. At least not here, not at the hospital. She was more than ready to just go home and curl up, and as soon as the okay was given that was what would happen. 

Considering how lightly she was resting she had herd the doctor enter, however she had no motivation to open her eyes and acknowledge them. Once they had left the premise of the room, Rachel slowly started to wake, her hand gripping onto Jesse’s shirt as a way to make sure he was truly still there. He hadn’t moved, and she appreciated that. “I love you, Jess,” She spoke quietly and almost as if she needed to have said those words again. 

Once Ashley had been brought back into their room, Rachel couldn’t have been more relieved to see her daughter, and only then did she find her way up and out of the bed. Once Rachel was back in her clothing, and out of the hospital gown they were on their way back to their home. During the ride, Rachel hadn’t uttered a single word. Her eyes were set out the window.

Sooner rather later the family had finally reached their home, and Rachel certainly couldn’t have been more pleased. The brunette got her daughter, and Ashley was still completely sound asleep thankfully. “Jesse?” All Rachel really wanted to do was hold her Chickpea, as well as be curled up with Jesse. It was what she needed, what they needed.She needed to feel the comfort of being their perfect little family.

Rachel had been silent the entire ride home, as had Ashley.  Taking a cab was easier, less people to have to deal with, even if it meant they took a little longer.  The silence gave him time to think, to wonder what he was going to do now.  Rachel needed him, as did Ashley, and he wasn’t sure how to be there for either of the girls.  The only silver lining in this was that Ashley was far too young to know she’d lost a little brother or sister.  They didn’t have to explain that loss to her, now or ever, if they so chose.  That would be a conversation for the future, when she was older, and they’d had time to grieve properly. 

Rachel’s single utterance of his name was enough to make him certain he knew what she wanted.  She was already holding Ashley and, as he knew she hadn’t gotten nearly enough, if any, sleep in the hospital, he led her to their room, his arm around her shoulders.  He needed to get her to sleep, at least for a couple of hours.  He had to take care of calling her dads.  This wasn’t something he knew they could keep from them.  Even if they hadn’t told their friends, he knew Rachel had let them know before.  They were the only ones who had known she was pregnant again, and he couldn’t let her break the news that she wasn’t any longer. 

The bed was a welcome sight, even if Jesse’s mind was running far too much for him to get any rest.  He knew Rachel needed it and, as soon as she was lying comfortably with Ashley, he joined the two, wrapping his arms around them both, unsure of what to say to help this.  Rachel, his shining star, was hurting n a way he didn’t know how to help and, while he was too, he had to bury that.  He had to bury that part of him for now and help her.  It was easier that way.

"Get some rest, Rachel."  He said softly, moving his hand up and down her arm comfortingly.  "You need it.  Ashley will wake up soon and then neither of us will get any sleep for a while."  He added.

7 months ago on 2/9/2014
9 notes




I’ve Never Felt a Heartbreak Like This || St. Berry

astarcalledrachelberry

A soft sigh escaped her lips as soon as she felt his arms wrap around her small frame. Her arms moved to sit atop of his, her breath slightly shaky. His arms were soothing, and there was nothing more she needed than to be close to Jesse. Rachel needed to take in the moment they shared.

Rachel knew this would be just as hard on Jesse as it is for her. She may have been the one carrying Twitchy, but he was losing a child too. He would be feeling the pain also. “What if it could have been prevented? What if Twitchy could have been saved?” Her fingers were brushing delicate patterns over his arms, and her eyes fluttered close relishing in the contact they shared.

She rolled slightly so her body was closer to Jesse’s and her head rested against his chest. “I can’t sleep,” she murmured, her breathing slowed. For the first time in hours, Rachel seemed the most relaxed she had been in hours. “I’ll sleep when I go home,” Or she’ll try. Sleep eluded her, she’d close her eyes and she’d envision twitchy. 

"Jesse?" She questioned, her voice quiet like a mouse. "Don’t let go of me at all, okay?" Her eyes closed for a few moments, slowly fluttering between open and closed. "Not at all.." Within a few moments she had fallen into a light sleep, her breathing steady and her grip never loosening.

Jesse knew she would ask him that at some point, whether it was this soon or if it was later at home, he hadn’t been sure but now that the words had been said, he felt his heart drop.  The doctor had been brief, stating it was an accident, and that miscarriages like this weren’t uncommon, but that wasn’t a great comfort to Jesse and, clearly, not to Rachel either.  He felt her relax, and attempted to do so as well. 

"I’m sure they did everything they could, Rachel."  He said softly.  He knew she was exhausted, physically and emotionally drained.  He couldn’t imagine anything else.  She had to have been torturing herself the entire time she’d been in here, keeping herself awake even after going through such an ordeal.  He could imagine why she wasn’t able to sleep, even if he only remotely knew what she was going through. 

"Promise."  Jesse replied, grateful that she had fallen asleep.  Even if he could tell she was barely sleeping.  Resting was better than nothing.  He was a little relieved when the doctor came in with the clear that they could go home as soon as she woke up, and when the nurse brought Ashley back in. 

His relief at seeing his daughter, asleep in her car seat, was almost enough to bring tears to his eyes.  They still had her.  Ashley was still there and she was healthy, vibrant, the perfect child.  He couldn’t have asked for anything more than the wonderful ten month old the two were raising, and he was happy for her, even if his heart was still shattered from losing Twitchy.  At least they still had their little Chickpea. 

7 months ago on 2/8/2014
9 notes




I’ve Never Felt a Heartbreak Like This || St. Berry

astarcalledrachelberry

Rachel was a very emotional being, however at the moment, she didn’t know what she was feeling. All the diva did know was that she was empty, she felt more empty than anything else. Her chocolate orbs had stayed focused on the sharpness of the white walls until Jesse had arrived. It was then that her eyes closed for the moment, containing the emotions that seemed to have risen.

Just having her love in the room was completely comforting, and there was nothing more that she wanted than to just go home. Rachel was sick of being there, sick of how morbid it felt. She had been told to rest but that wasn’t easy, not when her mind was at a constant place with thoughts of what Twitchy could have become.

"I don’t know how I feel, Jesse," She started her teeth catching her lip. "I feel empty." Her voice had hints of pain breaking through. She just needed to feel her fiance’s arms wrapped around her frame. "I need you to hold me Jesse. I need to be in your arms." Her breath hitched ever so slightly and her fingers were gentle against his cheek. Some familiarity was needed, and so was some normality. 

There would always be a part of Rachel that would blame herself for this miscarriage when in reality it wasn’t truly her fault. She had to take it with a grain of salt, as a sign that perhaps Twitchy just wasn’t meant to be. She wasn’t going to say that aloud, not yet. Slowly, Rachel moved over slightly, giving Jesse some room so he could climb onto the bed next to her. 

"You are here for me." She murmured, her lips pursed ever so slightly. She was more glad that Jesse was there with her now more than anything else. "I love you, Jess." Her fingers moved to brush through his infamous curls. "I simply want to go home." She shrugged, yawning slightly. She was emotionally and physically exhausted, which was completely understandable.

The moment Rachel moved, Jesse climbed onto the bed and wrapped his arms around her.  He had known the second he asked that it was a dumb question.  Of course she wouldn’t have a straight forward answer.  He knew she was feeling that way; he was as well.  He wanted to know if she was okay physically, but he couldn’t rely on her to be honest at the moment, most likely, especially after she expressed her wish to leave.

He held her close, her presence almost comforting to him as well, something he felt bad about.  He was meant to be there for her, not the other way around.  He knew that, and yet, he craved her touch as well, something to reassure him that she was okay, even if Twitchy wasn’t.  She had to be okay, or the doctor would have told her something.  She was okay.  She was physically okay, at the very least. 

Who knew if either of them would be okay after this?

Jesse knew that he had to be.  He had to be there for Ashley and for Rachel.  He couldn’t let Rachel shoulder responsibility for this, and still attempt to take care of him and Ashley all of the time.  She already tried to do that but now, there’s no way her heart would be able to handle it.  Jesse didn’t want her to have to. 

Jesse nodded slightly, unable to smile at her.  “I love you too Rachel.”  He said softly, keeping his hold on her gentle.  He knew that there was nothing he could say to fix this, and she wouldn’t accept any apology from him.  “You’re tired.  Go to sleep.”  He almost whispered, keeping his tone light.  “I’m sure the doctor will come in when you’re able to go home.  And the nurses are taking care of Ashley until then okay, so you don’t have to worry about her either.”  He added, hoping that would relax her even a little bit.

He had a feeling they were both going to be a wreck the next few weeks, at least.  He would call the playhouse as soon as he got Rachel home, and he’d have to quit.  Thankfully the pair had saved enough money up that him not working for a while would keep them fine.  At least that would be one worry that neither of them would have. 

7 months ago on 2/7/2014
9 notes




I’ve Never Felt a Heartbreak Like This || St. Berry

astarcalledrachelberry

Both Rachel and Jesse had taken to being parents so naturally, so when they found out that Rachel was excepting again they couldn’t have been more happy. Timing wasn’t ideal, not when Rachel wanted nothing more than to find her way onto the Broadway stage and do what she had dreamed of doing since the ripe age of three.

Their obstetrician was the same one that Rachel had visited for Ashley and she couldn’t have been more happier to have that doctor be the one to bring the life of their other baby into the world. She had gotten the all clear and that everything was going well earlier on in the day, and Jesse had gone to rehearsal while Rachel and Ashley were off running a few errands. 

The brunette hadn’t thought much of the first few minutes a set of cramps had kicked in, yet the pain simply became stronger and more sharp. Her hands had let go of the pram and instantly wrapped around her small bump. Once she could remove one of her hands, she reached for her phone calling an ambulance first. It was only ten minutes before they had reached her location  and she was taken to the local hospital. She wasn’t one for pain killers, yet at this rate, Rachel felt as though she needed something to help ease the sharpness. 

Jesse was Rachel’s emergency contact, yet she knew he wouldn’t answer, not when he was at rehearsal. Not when his phone wouldn’t have been near by. A few hours had passed before she was given the conformation that she had lost twitchy, and she could have only hoped that Jesse was on the way. 

The pain had slowed to almost nothing, and she had stayed silent as the nurses and few doctors came into her room alerting her that Jesse was on the way, yet they still wanted to keep her for a little longer for observation, just to make sure she was okay internally. It had felt like hours had passed until Jesse had finally arrived and the adamant pain across his features broke her heart even more than it was already broken.

            “Jesse—”

His name was the first word she had uttered from her lips since admission, and her hand tightened her grip under his. For the first time in hours, Rachel felt safe. “I don’t know what happened, it was so out of the blue.” Her brow had furrowed, and her other hand reached over to his cheek, relishing in the familiarity of the feeling of his skin.

Jesse had never felt like this before.  He couldn’t even begin to explain it.  His first thought when he’d answered the phone and heard the news: Rachel.  What was she thinking?  What was she feeling?  Was she blaming herself?  There were no words for the nurse who had delivered the news on the phone, or the nurse who had told him again when he’d arrived.  His first thought, both times, had been immediately that he needed to get to his fiance.  

Jesse felt comforted by her, something he felt equally guilty about.  While it was a loss they were both suffering, he couldn’t feel nearly as lost as Rachel did.  He didn’t even know how to express his concern for her.  He knew they’d lost Twitchy, the affectionate nickname they’d given their second child, but he didn’t know anything about Rachel’s condition.  The doctor had told him it was an accident, nothing that could have been prevented by either of them, nothing to blame. 

"How are you feeling?  Are you okay?"  Jesse asked, suddenly aware of his own voice, and the previous quiet of the room.  He shook his head slightly at her words, not wanting her to explain.  There was no explanation.  There was nothing they could have done to prevent it.  It was no one’s fault, but he still couldn’t help feeling incredibly guilty.  He just wanted to make sure she was okay. 

While the doctor said it was no one’s fault, Jesse couldn’t help but feel like if he had been there, there would have been something that could have been done.  He’d never hated what he did, although he did dislike losing time with Rachel and Ashley.  But now, he was sort of resentful to the fact that he had to rehearse most of the day and perform most of the night.  It wasn’t necessarily the career one led if they wanted to raise a family, it seemed.  And the fact that he’d been at rehearsal, and this had all happened, and he hadn’t known until long after the fact, only piled onto his guilt. 

"I’m sorry I couldn’t be here for you."  He added on, careful to keep his voice steady.  He knew she’d be feeling heartbroken over this, and he couldn’t let her see him feel the same.  He had to be there for you, help her more with Ashley and, as soon as they were out of here, he’d take better care of them both, take a less demanding show.  He wasn’t going to let her know this, not until he needed to.  He needed to be strong for his family now.  That was what needed to happen.  Rachel had already carried enough of a burden for the three of them.  He needed to try and carry this.  "I really am."

7 months ago on 2/7/2014
9 notes




I’ve Never Felt a Heartbreak Like This || St. Berryu
The Doctor’s appointment had gone well.  They hadn’t announced it yet but Rachel was pregnant again, pushing their wedding back another year at least.  It hardly mattered: they were practically married already.  Jesse already referred to her as his wife, just for simplicities sake.  They’d been together long enough for almost anyone to think of it that way.  They’d lived together over 5 years at this point, and had a 10 month old daughter.  Whenever they took Ashley on walks, everyone just assumed they were married, and were quick to comment on how cute their daughter was.  Jesse was quick to point out that it was all Rachel, and that the next child would be so as well.

Rachel was four months along at this point, and they’d both decided they could tell their friends and family at this point.  That was all Jesse had in mind at this point during rehearsal.  He was still focusing 110% on his craft, of course.  He’d had a long run as Fiyero on Wicked and he didn’t plan on leaving the show anytime soon, until they found someone better (unlikely), or until he grew too old for the part. He kept his voice strong and, even though he spent all of his free time with Rachel and Ashley, it wasn’t as much as he’d have liked. The plan was to get Rachel back to the stage by this time, until they’d discovered Rachel was pregnant again.

Jesse kept his phone on during rehearsals, in case of an emergency, but it stayed in the back with his bag. Shortly after Ashley was born and Jesse went back to the show, Rachel would call him, freaking over this little thing or that. Now that they were more experienced, she rarely did so. His phone never rang during rehearsals, although Rachel frequently texted him and sent pictures of whatever she and Ashley were up to that day. It was rare for him to get a phone call at all during rehearsals.

That’s why, the second the rehearsal was over and he went to call her, the three missed calls alerted him of something odd. Before he could call the foreign number back, his phone was ringing again, with the same number. He answered it, a little confused and strangely worried.

The news on the other end was nothing short of heartbreaking, and as soon as he got confirmation, he damn near bolted out of the theater, not even attempting to hail a cab. It was the middle of the day: there would be hours of traffic between here and the hospital. He ran straight to the subway, his heart beating fast in his chest, his head spinning.

It still took him almost an hour to get to the hospital, learning that Ashley was in the care of the nursery, and being directed to the room that Rachel was in. He stood in the doorway at his arrival, unsure of what to say, the news still heavy on his heart. He walked forward, silently taking her hand, and dropping to his knees next to the bed.

7 months ago on 2/7/2014
9 notes




Quite Quiet

Tagging: Rachel Berry and Jesse St. James
Timeframe: Friday Night
Location: Their Apartment
General Notes: Ashley’s sound asleep for the first time in three months.  Thank God.
OOC Notes: Wow I told you this sucked.

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1 year ago on 7/5/2013
1 notes




It has certainly been a long three months…

astarcalledrachelberry:

We can’t blame her that she wants all the attention. It is almost like she just knows what we need and won’t let us get it. Oh no, it’s fine Jesse. We could walk her together? 

We could do that.  I’m sure she’d enjoy being out in the city for a while.  Maybe after she’ll be tired and we can all rest.  I seem to only get some sleep when she falls asleep in my arms.

1 year ago on 7/2/2013
11 notes




It has certainly been a long three months…

astarcalledrachelberry:

I think I have maybe at the most two hours? She just wants all the attention. I know I wouldn’t trade our little crazy family for anything.

image

I wouldn’t either.  She might not be letting me sleep but she’s definitely cute enough to get away with it.  I can always take her for a walk tomorrow so you can get some rest though.  

1 year ago on 7/2/2013
11 notes




It has certainly been a long three months…

ohlookitstallmanfinn:

It’s been a while since Quinn and I have seen you guys.

image

So I think it’s time to change that. I’m pretty sure that Quinn wouldn’t mind. I think she would love that actually. 

We’re both ready for a visit.  It’s only us and the baby around here.  

1 year ago on 7/2/2013
11 notes




It has certainly been a long three months…

ohlookitstallmanfinn:

That’s great to hear, Jessie.

image

Really great to hear.

Thank you.  You know, if you ever come to the city, I’m sure Rachel would love for you to visit.  

1 year ago on 7/2/2013
11 notes